I thought we had a strong attachment but I found out last week that he has been having affairs with several different women. My husband is unbelievablely brilliant, cuniving, manipulative, and charming. I really think your theory is wise! I was wore out from defending myself, arguing and emotional abuse. Our whole program is about you becoming authoritive and able to take the lead effectively. My heart breaks wide-open again because I am not sure what he is trying! Have you tried instead of putting some effort into your relationship, like ask not what you want rather what you are prepared to give have you tried calling him and just saying I didnt hear from you so i called you up instead it may be possible that you both have expectations of each other yet will not humble yourselves to give to the relationship. Reading your post and you said you love him, my heart went out to you because the love will still be there for him. DA from what was explained to me, a true narcissist does not know how to lovehe knows how to survive on his narcissistic supplywhich is youuntil youre not. I actually separated from him once for a few months prior to the breakup for the same reasons constant verbal abuse and emotional manipulation Prince charming until any type of insecurity would arise. I fortunately can deal with it all for the most part. We had a one year long distance relationship after living together for two years and I didnt even get a phone call when we had a family bereavement. They have to be sane! Apologies, crying baby, spelling mistakes and unfinished sentences above. It also focus the responsability, in oneself(mua). I was slapped, hit, kicked, bitten, told that I was not a man and it was all my fault for her behaving in such a manner. Personally I think that boundaries are better if they are set to protect yourself and your own life and interests rather than to teach someone a lesson. The more positive the connection between you = the more likely they will be to listen. It broke my heart. Do I love him the answer will always be yes. Its not worth it. I just dont know how to hold her accountable in a way that will WORKand not just make things worse. This was my effort at not throwing in the towel b/c i just dont believe all Narcs are useless to society. This is why they move on so easily. Be strong and dont give up or give in. A parable says, A leach has two sisters. Him. I say he suffers though of course he wont ever admit it. Kim, thank you for taking a leadership role and sharing with us what worked for you! All the Best! He was in the habit of driving completely drunk. Does it really make any sense for me to be making love to a man who is not trustable or loving? "Knowing that a trap exists is the first step in avoiding it." Trauma bonds are a trap that children form that can hold them back from living healthy lives as adults. I used to get sucked into the chaos and then anything I said or did was magnified. Thats how they have consequences. It has been a terribly difficult 3 years, but understanding I had to stop being the victim & use techniques Ive learned through you and others, has helped. _ I find that most people suffering from codependence are Chronically ill. Hi my friend is the love if my life,but i know without a doubt that he is nsrcussistu. Looking back on a long-term relationship with a Narcissistic bf, I see I had big delusions about us both For a year we worked hard using Kims materials- which worked really well- to the point where I no longer felt weak or controlled, and my partner altered behavior beyond what Id ever (EVER) thought possible! Im a survivor. I was not a good wife, or mother, so on etc. When he calls me names I tell him I am sorry he feels that way because I think (something nice) about him and it takes the wind out of his sails. Holding narcissists ACCOUNTABLE: the DARVO method DoctorRamani 1.26M subscribers Subscribe 10K Share 174K views 2 months ago SIGN UP FOR MY HEALING PROGRAM:. I was with the love of my life and we were unbelievably happy together, were going to get married, start a family; we would talk about everything together, our hopes / fears / aspirations for our life together. So then, you cannot hold someone accountable who will not be held accountable. I actually feel like I cant take anymore, and now find myself alone at 60yrs when I thought I would be settled down with someone to spend the rest of my life with. Trying to Make the Narcissist Accountable is Keeping You Hooked. Financially Im in a bad place as I quit my job a few months ago and now make jewelry but Im broke. He doesnt want to decide because then he has to be accountable I know that much. I was shocked. Ive analyzed this thing a zillion times, gone to therapy, gone to grief groups and have come to the conclusion that Im just going to accept that I call him. 12 Ways to Break a Narcissist's Heart 1 Ignore their forms of manipulation. But also confusing if you want to find a way forward through this. He got arrested for teen porn on his computer. Never listens to a single word I say. All I can say is wow. (it had worked in the past and thought that as we were married, we would work through it). But talk about a grieving process to realize that all that you thought was real love was not. So it is a balancing act to be courageous about setting boundaries but also being as warm as you are able to be. His mother committed suicide when he was a child and later his father and step-mother abandon him in his mid-teens. She got me conned into coming up here and taking over the lawn and garden. I dont know how I managed to get out . The consequences of his actions in this situation are hard to tell. I have had yet another bereavement recently (my mother) i have had 3 in just under 3 years and have found it very difficult to flatline ie show no emotion ever in his precense. I am also feeling at fault because I would always push him away when it came to affection/sex. Go figure) Well we have been arguing for months now about the fact that he wants to Do this together but he wont make any decisions as to the details of doing it together financially and we end up fighting every time we talk about it. (6) he steals my personal data and every photo I have ever had off of my cell phones I have never given him permission. This is the story of my life and almost always my experience when we are on any sort of vacation. Ann, was he ever there for you? I dont want them to be the victim or the perpetrator. By taking control over your own life back, you are able to create fear and doubt in a Narcissist. A few weeks later you bought a new one and called my daughter and me over and told us what you did and that you wanted to FIX it and asked her to put it on me. I can relate to just about every single one of the writers here except for physical violence. What you need is a 100% clear no nonsense boundary that you are in control of not him. Then a few months later I found out from you ex-wife that you slept with her several times during the time you spent with her and your kids. For all this time I have been working on myself, attending classes through the church (designed for couples, but they are letting me go by myself)and I (unlike him) remember the good timeshe COULD be really, really sweetand my soul still loves him (its the only way I know how to describe it as it takes me out of the very human/ego part of me that is pissed as hell at the childish, immoral behavior)..it also lets me not put the blame on myself (which I bought into, and still do some days, like today). 29 years has taken its toll, it is not easy at all trying to get mentally healthy myself, while protecting myself from further hurt from my husband. Its hard to give up on a man who has saved you in waysand who you know deep down, he is a good manbut his fear keeps him from being able to create real intimacy, and build on a relationship based on trust and honesty. and after everything they do we still crying for them?- there must be some personality traits that mirror ours. I have the same questions as TANYA and also wonder where to start, do i say I love you and forgive you and just start? Even to a point that it appears to be his decision letting you off the hook. Your comment stuck with me. Im hoping to share and hear more with everyone. There is no helping these Nar people, you can only preserve your own sanity, be strong and protect yourself. Feels good that no one is blaming me for his faults anymore. If you still love him well then give him a chance but you also need to make sure you have rock solid boundaries in place including your money and your time. He has admitted what he was doing and also admitted what he feels. I know its not funny, but I know why the sales agent hung up. I hope that you can turn this marriage around like you did your last! We have not had a fight or argument for over 6 weeks! When he gets mad about you making the police report you need to be ready to say calmly that he did thousands of dollars damage to your car and so of course you needed to report it to make an insurance claim. Slavery works like that; not freedom. These times are probably gone forever. Like I said, I have been firm with establishing boundaries for myself in a calm and non-confrontational but stern manner, but he continues to violate them and refuses to speak to me. Also 10 Steps To Overcome Co-dependence. He told her the other day that if she would be more involved then he would start putting that money towards her college fund! In the mean time, I date other men on a non-sexual basis but for some reason, my heart is drawn to my NPD friend. I also wonder why you have chosen to avoid his affection in the past? I couldnt live the lie and we divorced. Kim is the author of seven books on the topic of relationships and emotional intelligence. I have tried to set the boundaries time and time again. Everything that came out of his mouth was horrible. That money was for her college fund. I agree that at some point when theres no change, you cannot continue. Why are you afraid to respect yourself and not allow someone to cross your boundaries even once! The only way to reach someone like this is through the pain of consequence. Hoping they will help me deal with the overpowering emotions that arise if theres any contact/attempted communication with him. But how can I do it . I could snap once that is say one sentence cos I was really upset about something and he would use it as an excuse to storm off, knowing full well that i say my piece and then carry on with my life. I dont know enough about your situation to give you much more advice but you can keep things on course if you do not allow yourself to be persuaded to trust him. I have been married to a NPD for almost 45 years and been with him 48. Oh, this one is huge. Unfortunately he died 2 years ago. I was devastated, but I was willing to work. A good way to understand how to make a narcissist miserable is to spring the occasional surprise on them. I do feel very disappointed in him because this is our second go-around and this time marriage happened. I told them he wasnt ready and needed to learn how to be a father and husband first. Everyone makes choices, let them be formed by their consequences. I insulted him, I judge him, I made his life miserable for some time. You cringe as you swipe your card to buy a coffee without getting approval from the narcissist first. Your husband sounds EXACTLY like mine was. Its hard to know the right steps to heal oneself and have taken many wrong turns in this regard. Im still trying to get my life on track again and deal with a very messy property settlement with him. DA, the first step to heal yourself is quickly find people who love you and will affirm you. Your a God send. It is the unhealthy part of their thinking. Its a hard life, but for me, Ive put down the sword, and have decided to find the believers in me; not the leaders or followers that are only destined to intercept my inalienable rights to exist. Hi While i think you mean well and im sure there are many you have helped. What you want is for his doctor to understand that he may be held responsible if he does not take your letter seriously. Hi Michelle, I cannot urge you strongly enough to purchase Back From the Looking Glass. I did not understand how I was allowing others to have such unhealthy control over me. After a vew weeks he hit the wall just next to my head. He did not get arrested, but he did get stopped and sent home. My partners behaviour is exactly the way you describe. Thanks Kim and Steve for all your work and make sure you do the exercises in The Love Safety Work Book :0). As you have seen it turns into a trial and everyone gets their defences up. Thank you again. Hi. 15) You continuously disrespect and ignore my children when they ask you a direct question and get upset if they dont want to talk to you. Though I have not seen much online regarding this, I wonder if their bond with children is because these men are also very delicate and child likethat they dont understand their own emotions, and have no self reflection. We keep educating ourselves to belong to something, to excel, to achieve, to alienate all those in our own selfish path. Mine treated me like a queen for 6 months. Unfortunately, as I tried to work on the things we had identified, she fell right back into the N-pattern of denial and assigning blame (all to me, of course). ThaNK YOU. He was an illusion all along. He never did anything for me nothing. I still get constant emails wishing me well and statements of regret and promises hoping Ill return someday. This morning I get this txt from him Says I am a know it all and have too many opinions.He does revenge for things I didnt try to do. I look at it like a job now. I am German, he is American and we met and lived in Spain. 13) I found a house, got a loan and bought it and had to use my life insurance savings to pay for the down payment. Its all a work In progress for me but its starting to calm things in my home and keeping myself calm already. Take good care. For myself and my family, I divorced in 1983 without ever understanding about NPD. Steve had pretended everyone loved him at work but of course that wasnt true. I am only responsible for my self. Its pathetic and he totally blinds everyone what a user he is. (is that part of narcissism?). Positive attention is great for the narcissist but negative attention is crucial to their ability to hold you accountable. Thank you for all your supportive emails that inspire me and others. By respecting my emotional, mental, physical health, financials, relationships with others, mature consequence based choices..it became very easy to see, that at no point, was tolerating this persons selfish, cruel, abusive, irresponsible and dangerous bullsh*t, a correct choice in any way shape or form. When such small things happen occasionally in a relationship, they might be overlooked. At this point though I would like to create a boundary and consequences for his going for drinks afterwards at a very late hour which I find inappropriate and creates a cycle of sleep deprivation and more NPD actions for long periods of time. Seems like nearly everything he says to me is about him. It has totally changed my marriage. With two dogs and two horses close to your job, so we could be together and just had lost my mother to cancer two weeks before. My husband seems to be addicted to stimulation, attention, and acceptance to say the least. My friends would even try to be her friend instead of mine ones they had met her. I spoke with him last night and ofcourse he did not want to make a decision and was evasive and got angry. (We were married for seven years and have been divorced for 1 1/2 years now.) He does not know how to be himself as a child so when he has questions and here is the hard part for me to remember, he really doesnt know beyond the child age he is. Im tired of trying to fix this marriage. I am thinking I want to ask him tonite if he has decided and if he starts all over to bypass and avoid answering, to tell him that its ok but that I have to make decisions and that I think it is better that we keep our finances completely seperate from now on and that he find his own place to live when he comes back home. I have to ask them what he says to them to unskrew the lies and manipulation put on them.