I cant believe there are so many others out there like me. From the sounds of it, youre young and have the time to learn a new field. I feel soo angry. Whether it's romance, friendship, family, co-workers, or basic human interaction: we're here to help! He is a scientist and had no interest in switching to a teaching career. 3 yrs in making more $ than I ever have. As you said, you are not stupid. Im truly sorry youre going through this. Because thats easier said than done, we asked Smith and other therapists to share the exact advice they give when this issue comes up in their offices. I probably need to see a therapist. I hope by December 2016 her cancer is under control. As he told himself if I want to be happy, I can no matter what condition. Why I am having to do that I dont know! Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. With the next interview, we hope hell get hired. I get really tired of being supportive, and Im literally exhausted trying to hold all of this together. Its super manipulative. So I am trapped in this situation where he will never ever be happy. I have serious health issues and Im barely holding on. Keep up a daily practice however much as could reasonably be expected. You cant work with dead beats who history is unemployment and living off the girl friend and then demanding sex? But after less than a year of teaching she was completely burnt out. I send love and light your way and hope you find the guidance necessary to make the right decision for your life. My partner of ten years walked out of her job two years ago without finding another job first. Its been over a year and he hasnt even bothered looking for a job. Help your significant other comprehend that the time you spend on yourself will enable you to be a better life partner when youre as one because it will. I breathed such a sigh of relief since we just got notification that he has passed through the entire selection process and will need to report to HR for full time training in February. Im right there with u sister : ( I have my own bucket list that I want to see fulfilled. In the meantime, DO NOT give up! Problem-Solve. https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html. Tough :(. Housework really is a full-time job, muses my septuagenarian father. I feel very bad in this and i am going into depression dont know what to do when mom tell me this . But Im still here, still kickin. I try to take care of myself but he gets pouty and jealous if I seem to be trying to do so. Not to mention he was the one I chose to give my V-card too. tied up in the relationship or family. I am worried that I soon wont be able to pay the internet bill. The reasons for the business not taking off-we do not have the space he needs in our current home to do his business. Am I not looking at it from your perspective? Communicate to one another about what your priorities are when it comes to household chores. He is now 51 and never been unemployed before. Personally, I am sick and tired of being used, I pay for shelter, food, clothing, household maintenance items, laundry, basically EVERYTHING, for a partner I consider now a con-artist. I dont want to be 10 years from now and my husband is still chronically unemployed, angry, depressed, and taking it all out on me. Maybe thats why hes so lazy? It has been five months and he is still unemployed. I just want to run away about 99.8 percent of the time! Does money play into it at all? I dont like how Im treatinghim, how were growing apart or who Im turning into. But I was able to get help, and from then some good things have happened. I am unhappy, exhausted, sad, failingI have run out of ideas. finally my mother got me away from him and paid for a new place. My partner has always suffered with mild depression and having lost several jobs due to temper/mood swings, he has been unable to secure proper employment for 4 whole years. ??? We live like Lodgers! He sttill wants sex every night and gets mad if i dont want to but i dont want to because im too upset. He does occasional tutoring, but maybe pulls in $200/month on average. We live at my moms because we have to. Wow. I have been supporting my boyfriend for nearly 4 years. I am about to break up with my boyfriend. If they can not find a senior job/white collar work, they are insulted. But please believe in yourself you have to strength to take action to change. Hes incredible at times but sometimes he can drive you bananas.. Im so confused. Im sorry. He asked me to be more empathetic when I talk to him about the job search [That] takes a lot of hard work!" Do you know how many times I have wanted to walk out of my job because it is horrible? Hes actually said that, because I would have to pay all the rent if I was on my own, I dont need money from him. I dont know what to do or what to say to her. Conjugao Documents Dicionrio Dicionrio Colaborativo Gramtica Expressio Reverso Corporate. No love, he must go. tl;dr: Husband is unemployed and doesn't do any housework, possibly has depression he won't seek help for. But the most important thing is that you keep checking in. Promise you wont damage yourself for a man! Thank you Eleia so much for your encouragement and sharing your story. Still, Smith said, My go-to advice to the couple is to start this discussion. He has not held a steady job in the entire 2 years that weve lived here. For as long as you have to deal with the unemployment monster, I hope that you give yourself space and time to find ways to take care of yourself. Self-care means honoring the other facets of your personality and life, thereby diminishing the attention given to the unemployment monster. We are living in his parents house which is a blessing. A wife whose "secondary" job is now a couple's only source . Your spouse may slide back into criticism on this journey to redistribute the emotional labor. I am self-employed and work from home and am the 'breadwinner' of our household. I need someone to take some of this burden from me, without forcing me to go begging to my parents! being alone with all that money to spend on your own needs would make you far happier than snuggling up to a leech every night. Every time she messes ANYTHING up, especially if its somethign for me, she get depressed and teary. How long do we sacrifice ourselves? Here are some of the things that are going through your head, and I will acknowledge that some of them may be perfectly legitimate. He was so angry with me. Trying to make you feel bad before you have enough time to think about that statement. I guess misery loves company, because although I feel for all of you, Im also glad to know Im not alone. The latest 2014 stats for the US show what is the reality (and I use the US only because their numbers were easier to find freely). due to unemployment. I think shes dissatisfied with the situation and shes pissed off and angry and snapping all the time, and were having a hard time with money. But he lived with a mutual friend & i found out that he was continuing to see her building from an emotional affair to a sexual one. He even started an ebay business thats doing so-so, but the fees are killing just about any profit he makes. The couple can settle on the positive choice, A spouse whose optional work is now a couples only source of income may all of a sudden shoulder the weight of paying bills. I understand exactly how you feel. I have explained the he is to take care of the house and he stated he will try better, but there i was on Sunday morning cleaning the house (while he sat in the chair reading) that should have been done while i am at work for over 9hrs a day. But I felt inferior and struggled with that. Ps my partner is also a drinker and has a problem. I feel old, I feel that my opportunities are dwindling away, thats how much I have became embroiled and involved in my sisters financial survival. Our kids are pretty happy, but we all know we could have more. Im to the point where enough is enough either change or leave. I had viral and emotional problems and extreme overwork. I didnt think at the beginning, but now that I think about it, I think the reason he married me was because he knew I had a high paid job and could sustain him while he just does what he likes to do. He got cleared last November and went to his Union Hall and there hasnt been work since. I feel unsupported and try to talk with my DH many times but he just listens and shows no or little improvement. During 17 years marriage, my sisters huband, at the most, clocked about 6-months worth of employments. In many cases, this person has gone all the way through the interviewing/hiring process before determining that the job was a bad fit and deciding not to take it. hes trying to get his degree after I encouraged him but I think he might flunk outagain!! I understand it is easy to say than do, but please please have confidence to yourself and be resilience. I am fed up, weve been together for 5 years now, Ive supported him for so long and I really just want to build a happy home with him, Its so depressing trying to stick by him. why are you ladies putting up with this crap? It wont simply resolve and go away, he truly needs to see a mental health doctor. She is trying incredibly hard and has a list a mile long of all the places that she has applied to. A marriage is supposed to be a partnership. on top of it he says what have you done for us, he mentally torture me (by using abusive words about my family). Here are a few examples of how we do it: My husband takes out the garbage and the recycling, which I hate and he doesnt mind. The truth is that there are no easy answers or decisions, but as a man, and as someone who has lived through both physical and sexual abuse, I would offer this; you are not alone. Your husband, like some of the others talked about here, is not just suffering a temporary difficulty finding work. He is not working and is depressed and moody and I am just sick of it. I know he looks everyday and I get that he needs support, but its depressing for me as well. He does seasonal factory job from Sep to Dec in order to save up money to buy his gadgets during black friday and boxing day. Spiritual: Pray alone or with others. You should have never quit your job. Hes gained quite a bit of weight and says our house is making him sick. I earned alot of money so we eat out and she had a gym membership.We were always going places and Birthday and Christmas was lavish! I am allowing his frustration and anger to affect how I treat and feel about myself. On the great days, examine what makes them great and conceptualize approaches to keep up positive energy, hitting the sack at a sensible hour, rising together, morning exercise, supplication time, and so forth. You are only 20 and hard working . Okaaayyy. Im one of those people. A few hundred dollars a month maybe sometimes! Im afraid that if I leave him he will become suicidal, as he is prone to severe depression, but Im worried that staying with him is changing the course of my life for the worse. The only thing holding me back is my daughter and his relationship and WTF WOULD HE GO?! So, the statute of limitations has passed, thus, no appeal. Presumably, your husband will go back to work at some point. Ive had resentment for yearsand have directly told him that I cant take the burden of being responsible for it all. My bet? I have been self employed for 8 years and got my LLC 3 years ago. But My children are my most important thing in my life, they give me strength to put up these things. Its been 7 years since my husband was laid off. To start with, practice an attitude that regards unemployment as a temporary and manageable circumstance. She spent a lot of money to take a course and get certified in something she said she had a real passion for, and could start a business with, and I supported the decision. Do you want your children to grow up victimized and with this twisted sense of love and family? Fake interviews, youre overweight, they didnt like youblah blah blah are you kidding me?? My suggestions arent being taken anymore, at this point, I think hes so afraid of rejection, he doesnt even want to try. He likes the work itself (its a trade) but hates the people, bureaucracy, being told what to do by a less-experienced guy who is the foremans lackey, rude guys, dirty port-o-lets, you name it. We have a little baby, thank God for breast milk otherwise my poor child will be starving.He spend most of his time on the internet watching you tube videos. I just wonder how it will l end. Hes waiting to hear about a job. Im tired. #laughsoyoudontcry. I wish I could enrol my son in a sporting team, but I cannot afford the fees. He ended up living with me quite quickly, our whole relationship moved too fast. Its a clear case of people who are unemployed by choice taking advantage of partners who are not going to leave them-kick them out in spite of the fact they are completely fed up with them or so they say. I graduated in May 2014 and we started dating shortly after. When I first had him move in with me, he had from what he said, always been working a full time job at Honda. The Row and Balmain showed individual gestures on luxury. It's annoying when your husband won't do things that you can't do yourself (or simply don't have time to, because you're already doing so much!) Hes highly educated, but not being picked up by any employers. Nowhere near what I imagined when we were first married and both completing our professional degrees. I bought a nice house based on two incomes, so that he could have his damned man cave , and I cant handle the expenses anymore. again! I also have my unemployed daughter, her unemployed husband and my 5 grandchildren living with us. Like the illness defines me. I wish he could just be a man that helps support his family. Someone just so happens to die or suffer a medical emergency when you have an interview scheduled, the car breaks down, the dog gets sick or any number of other inconvenient and unfortunate events occur resulting in you not making the interview, not getting the job and not being able to change your employment status any time soon. Were almost 30 years old. Hard to be turned on with so much resentment. "Being in the car for the call is good; if it's bad news it allows me to decompress before I get home, so he doesn't have to see me worry," she said. During this time I had to PUSH and PROD him to explore part-time work. wow! Despite how it can feel at times, you and your family are incredibly strong to have survived a year and a half in the stress of unemployment. To top it off, he gets mad at me when i get home from working because I wont cook or do his laundry. I dont know what to do. Ive been with my boyfriend for 13 years now. The pay was amazing, and finally I could stop worrying about money so much, and maybe even have a week off work (I havent had a break for over two years) I pleaded for discussion. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. His dad constantly threatens to kick him out if he doesnt get a job. There were a number of short-term freelance gigs. My husband has been out of work for almost 5 years. Not sure what to do any more but all i know is that I have very little left in the tank and life doesnt seem to be getting any less complex and harsh. His unemployment ran out last year.. Ive been the bread winner for the longest time. What changed? If one of you prefers to do chores on the weekend and the other wants to relax, this can lead to anger and resentment from both sides. Boy have times changedand not for the better for women. U are taking a ten week course and Ive been holding down a job and taking three classes at the same time. Be selfish, you deserve to live a good, happy, healthy, balanced life. He just thinks everything will come to him I feel :/. My husband has been out of work now for nearly 2 years and its been a true test of our relationship, but I think if we can survive this, we can survive anything. I adored him for the first half of our relationship he is witty, intelligent, an excellent father but alas, Ive done my bit now and Ive had enough had enough of being the sole breadwinner, had enough of not being able to afford to do much as a couple or with the kids, had enough of crappy birthdays and Christmass and had enough of all my friends regarding him as a total loser. Ive held a full time job since we moved here. But in govt sector i have little hope. I just want this nightmare to end when my husband finally gets a job. While trying to help their significant other through what is a rough time, these women bear considerable mayhem themselves. He hasn't even applied for a job in probably 5 years. I had tried to get our marriage back. If you find that you argue a lot about chores or are growing angry and resentful toward your spouse, make sure to seek help. I am so depressed now i just cry after we fight for hours. Any time I suggested steps to actually find paying clients, or to engage with other people in her field, or to network, or to do anything other than staying home and reading the blogs of more successful people, her go-to response is That sounds exhausting. They tortured him by removing his nails but he still kept himself smiling. He always has an excuse or gets angry and turns things on me to make me feel like Im the problem. i feel betrayed and cheated. No, I cant leave. Sometimes he can be the nicest person in the world other times the worst. I have to stay strong for myself nowIve decided that to survive, I have to try to look after myself as best as I can. I do love him but I feel my love fading. Youre not 5 years old anymore, and there are no excuses for what youre putting your family through. Every day that this goes on longer I have a harder time holding my tongue. you can not expect doing nothing with the lazy long term unemployed husband change and your life will become better. three days later he gets an in person interview for a software job. He says he wants to marry me but hes currently jobless and living with his dad. Tired of being the breadwinner, tired of not having enough money to do what we want, tired of his negativity, tired of friends asking why he doesnt just get a job at Starbucks (which always leads me to think that they are judging my marriage, as if a good husband would get a job at Starbucks), and just tired in general. would be transferable to a number of positions think again. I could go on, but Im sure you all can understand, thanks for letting me rant!! I really find it hard to believe too. I am constantly tired for work and constantly having to get up in the night to ask him to turn the youtube videos he watches etc. You do yours free of carpools, homework, housekeeping. Dont do what some of us have done by making excuses and feeling sorry for him, hoping things will change. I perceived many of my interviews to be fake as in they already hired someone and/or were interviewing me merely to meet/exceed a quota and had no intention of making me an offer. Still no work and as I age, do not see any hope. He has no children and we are not married and Im realizing he may be a bachelor for reasons more complicated than I first imagined. I trusted he would do what he was passionate about but so far I am disappointed and am increasingly unhappy in our marriage. Cleaning just enough to keep me from being angry but not quite enough to keep me from being stressed. This summer, his underemployed job is providing no hours, so just the side gigs and my (not substantial, nowhere near 6 figure) income are what were living on. Hope you will have some good news to share soon. Im having a little trouble understanding what is being written by women on here. For the second time. Any advice on how to cope? I dont understand why because he is apparently applying for half dozen jobs every week. Since I loved him, I bought him a car and paid off his ticket and got his license renewed. Rather pleasant posting. It is filed under Family. It is a highly paid job and has kept my husband and his three kids from a previous marriage in a very happy life style. Let him find out what it's like to do his own cooking and laundry to provide for his own needs. Matt, youre right, unemployment certainly puts partners in the position of being stuck between a rock and a wall. We argue all the time as I have to ring the bill people asking for more time to pay. We can barely afford the cook together suggestion! My income is enough for the expenses, but it cannot cover savings, emergency funds, etc. She is an interior designed by training. I have never been out of work this long, the longest was 3 months, but in those 3 months, you can be assured the house was never cleaner, all meals were prepped from scratch (no takeaways), and I was happy for him if things went well. Go away and blast meI dont care. She has worked about 15days on the last two years doing odd jobs but no permanent job. He is not good with money at all, and I cant make him stick to a budget. I keep gaining weight because I am eating as little as I can and I bet people think we are living high on the hog. Finding this site and reading these comments is really helping me. If you are ever concerned about your safety, please contact local law enforcement or go to your nearest emergency room. Hes 45 years old. I would tell him I would call the police and he would threaten me. I am 40 and my husband is 45 I been going through his bad luck with child support , false charges against him in 2015 which lead to bonds, court resets for almost 3 years. I get replys like oh your so dramatic, f. You. Besides the financial strain joblessness puts on a family unit, a life partner who keeps on working faces their own issues in managing a distressed, depressed family breadwinner. Please know you are not alone. I am now in debt and had to take on a second job totalling 70hrs some weeks not including long travelling time to work. I also had a good job and everything was looking great. My boyfriend and I have been together for going on 5 years now. Im too stressed. The author enumerates various reasons as to why husbands do not help women in everyday household work as much as they should. I supported him for a year in the old place. Time to be grateful you can support each other. I can barely be in the same room with him without becoming uncontrollably angry. How stressed do you think Ive been huh? He got TEFL certified and is looking for jobs in South Korea and I am working on my certification but its so hard to do my coursework when I have a full time job. Now, whenever she calls, she always nag about money and to be honest, I find it painful. He keeps saying hes looking for jobs but we share an email account and there is no email trail and every time he goes on an interview (I get a call from my contacts saying he blew it). I tried talking to him about my feelings and concerns and nothing changes. I am way old but am still learning about unsavory people with no problem using others. He told me in October 2018 that he would have a job, it is nearly March and hes only been to a handful of interviews and sleeps till noon. A few times I felt discriminated against being a middle aged white guy who is a couple of pounds overweight to boot. I was brought up in a traditional family, with the father being the provider. Try praying to God for wisdom. Husband works for a union in the city. Well, I am going through something similar. Yes of course we should leave him. I hope that you feel better. I am also looking for part-time or full-time work, although i have been working for 27 years. This is my first time really in an adult relationship but it doesnt feel like it and Im just really exhausted. Our daughter is due in a week but I dont know how to cope financially. I have to work to support us. More than anything, I am so so so tired. He can do his own laundry, sort his own food and pick up his own shit. Have confidence.". But back then, the courts would make sure women and kids were taken care of by the fathers. I understand your fear about resenting your husband, even once he gets a new job, and I think youre wise to get ahead of it. He is afraid to leave the house, much less work in a public setting, and has had several severe panic attacks just from minimal exposure to strangers. Here we are in August 2015 and my hubby can not find a job! Also try reaching out to your church family. I really want to go to college as well but supporting us both means I cant save. The "My Husband Won't Do Half the Housework" Fallacy. i probably would love to have an affair just to get away from this crap for just a few minutes. They are vehemently opposed even though theyve seen my husbands overt idleness, drinking belligerence and embarrasing inebrietion in public and at home. I work so hard just to get us from motnh to month and theres never any security let alone any moment when I can get past the stress of having to do this! If you have a caretaker personality, you may need to watch a propensity to give your life partner consent to remain stuck in self-indulgence and inaction. And I LEFT. It was also found by the study that increases in the husband's market work hours and increases in the wife's household work hours had negative effects on the probability of divorce. I know he struggles too, but I feel a lot of resentment and frustration like so many other people here. He will go and do medical studies, which i suggest that you guys suggest to your husbands to do. Were talking about a food service job, he worked in retail I view these industries as being largely similar if not the same in many respects. All he needs is a foot in the door. and cheerleader to a traumatized, unsettled husband. I found all you wonderful gals experiencing What I have been going through. I was so trusting that when hubby phoned and said end of marriage it was a shock to me. I get that the job market isnt great and nothing has panned out yet in his job search in his field. At that time, the man was running a graphic design business from home, in cooperation with another person. Now i question, why is he even here? I just wish I had enough courage to leave him. It is a bit similar as those women abused by their partner and still put up for long term until it reaches the break point of their personal suffering. Sick of his business. Who the heck is supporting me? I have nothing in savings and bills coming up in 4 months that I have to pay but it doesnt seem she is interested in getting a study job. Unemployment rates are high on the rundown as one of lifes stress-inducing and mentally exhausting events. Unfortunately, that means I have to 50 hours a week or more. Thank you for your comment. Make an appeal, she says.Try something like, I really need your help right now, because Im overwhelmed. See our favorite looks from outside the shows. I am praying for you. It seems like they wanted me not to work so they could call me lazy unmotivated a leech on society and all sorts of other things. I bet his brother will expect to have half the living expenses paid, and hell comply. It is your home that you inhabit and your live that you must optimise for yourself and those that want to actively contribute to it. He had just returned to town after having a bit of midlife crisis. Im frustrated because it does NOT take a YEAR to get a job..ANY job, I dont care if its flipping burgers. My boyfriend who I have lived with for 4 years decided after he was fired from his last job that he was just going to give up. I want 2 have an advice whether i should continue 2 live with him or just leave him if 2 days i dont go 2 work im bored at home but he.. he dont go 2 work for TWO years any1 there for a good advice? UPDATE: Guess what? His parents blamed our daughter and me. He also has an anxiety disorder that was made so much worse by the pandemic. (I have a therapist. Rent is due in 1 week and he hasnt saved up a dime considering he hasnt worked a day in the last month so I know he wont have his 600 in time. Sometimes you just want to punch the person in the face especially when they are laying in bed and/or watching television when you have to get ready for another horrible day of work. Usually has a capable hard working partner who look after him. He keeps the house relatively clean. And if you dont feel pressured to do it, is this stuff really all that important? I have left with my son a handful of times to stay at hotels and get away from him. And worst of all, hes getting court summons for his credit card debt and I dont have the money to help him out of the debt so thats an even bigger stressor. Yes, this also means he has been unemployed for the entirety of our new marriage. However, one job he went too, he got sick two weeks after starting and got let go, it wasnt his fault, but it seemed to trigger something, ever since then, he cant keep a job for more than a few weeks or months at a time. He was put on meds but once he read the side effects he quit taking them. And so she started to become her familys sole breadwinner. How did she go about her radiotherapy? Admittedly, I make more than most of my friends with 4-yr degrees on my measly little associates degree (I work in the legal field), but living in this area on less than $100K a year? The most annoying thing is when he s got some money, he spend it on expensive wines.I am loosing the will to live. Yes after all this I an praying for a breakthrough from God. So do what you need to do for yourself because clearly they arent worrying about you. *Sorry, there was a problem signing you up. My husband has been out of a full time job for 6.5 years.